Imperatif Biologique Oblige
by dark kitsune
Summary: Jazz/Mirage mech!slug slash. G1 and veeeery AU. See inside for full details. During a routine patrol, Jazz and Mirage have a run in with the Decepticons and are turned into something rather...sticky. Complete and utter crack.


Hey all! So yeah, this is mech!slug porn. I think it's safe to assume this is the first of its kind. This is the result of a very lulzy convo thread between myself and rageai on LiveJournal. If you want to see some hot slug action go to youtube and type in leopard slugs mating. Srsly - it's way cool.

First a word from our sponsors:

This is all mostly my fault. In the spirit of encouraging me to work faster on finishing _Noblesse Oblige_, one of my reviewers from , playswithworms, sent me a list of possible activities to pass the time until I update next. These included holding garden slug races, and naming a pair of slugs 'Mirage' and 'Jazz' and watching romance ensue. I joked that no one would want to see NC-17 Jazz/Miri slug!pr0nz. And then…I realized that I wanted to see Jazz/Miri slug!pr0nz. Wanted it like I'd never wanted anything before in my life. So naturally, I turned to sbanchs. And, because she's easily manipulated demented really, really awesome, she agreed to write it.

Consider this an 'official' _Noblesse Oblige_ AU spinoff sidestory. A 'meanwhile, in a parallel universe…' kind of thing. We'll return to the regularly scheduled _Noblesse Oblige_ universe at some point. Until then, enjoy this. I sure as hell did. –A (rageai)

* * *

Mirage didn't know how it happened…only that it did. One minute he was looking down the barrel of Shockwave's ridiculous purple cannon and the next he was, well, in a tree. On a tiny branch in a tree. Munching happily on a leaf hanging off the branch in a tree. Could life get any stranger? Well, he was an Autobot…so of course it could.

The day started out normal – well, as normal as it could be considering the mudball planet he was stuck on. Mirage had patrol duty for the early shift; his partner for the day was Jazz. While he didn't consider the saboteur to be a friend, per se, Jazz was certainly one of the more tolerable bots in the Ark. His happy-go-lucky nature wasn't exactly Mirage's cup of energon but the Autobot spy had long ago decided that the other side of Jazz's personality, the unrepentant devious part, was a breath of fresh air.

The martini racer was all smiles and joviality at six a.m. as they made their way into the surrounding Oregon countryside. The conversation was pleasantly inane; Jazz rarely touched on important topics outside of officer meetings. Mirage had tuned out the obnoxious music almost as soon as Jazz began playing it and thinking back, that had been his crucial mistake. If he had been paying attention, he may have heard the distinctive whine of a cannon powering up or he may have seen that flash of black which turned out to be Ravage. Ah, Ravage; how appropriate that the humans came up with a particular saying – "doom often comes on little cat feet" Mirage mused as he slowly made his way to another leaf.

The fight was over before it really began; Mirage and Jazz were surrounded and hopelessly outnumbered by some of Megatron's most powerful soldiers.

"Nothing like using a flamethrower to start a campfire" Jazz had quipped, but Mirage was far too busy trying to stay away from the obscenely large arm cannon that Shockwave had trained on him to pay attention to the saboteur's snarky commentary. Not that the silly display of ducking and weaving did him any good, no, he still managed to get slagged.

Which brought him back to his current situation – sitting on a tree branch, munching away on a leaf. He knew that his behavior was counterproductive. He knew that he should be trying to find a way back to his body, or looking for Jazz, but he seemed to have developed a singular focus and right now that focus was eating. Mirage was surprised at his own lack of concern and was sure the current body he was residing in was the reason. He didn't know much about carbon based life forms but even he realized that a common leopard slug wouldn't have much capacity for thought. Oh, the irony of it all…his disdain for this planet and its inhabitants seemed to have come back to him in an almost karmic manner. There were plenty of creatures in the forest that he could have "inhabited" in what he figured had to be an out-of-chassis experience, but it had to be the lowliest of them all. An eagle to soar above the tree tops and wing its way to the Ark? A cougar with powerful limbs and a fast pace to race back? No, naturally not. He instead left slime trails along tree branches while his cybertronian sensibilities fought for headspace with basic slug survival instincts. Ironic indeed.

Mirage wasn't sure how long he had been in the tree, only that he had spent enough time there to consume five leaves. Simple eyes swiveled on their stalks as he stopped and raised the upper portion of his cylindrical body up, olfactory units testing the air. Something was amiss and the Ligier-turned-slug was stumped as to what it could be. Whatever the cause, it was making the body he currently occupied agitated beyond belief. Mirage settled back to his meal, pushing the distraction out of his immediate thoughts. He had tried to work out a plan to find his proper body earlier in the day (was it the third leaf he was eating when that happened?) but it was all but impossible to focus when food seemed to occupy all his senses. He gave up attempting to do both and figured he would work out a plan when he finished with his meal…only problem was the meal never seemed to end. The more he ate, the more he wanted…it was never ending and the prickle of annoyance buzzed at the back of his consciousness like a fly.

There. There it was again - a scent, perhaps? Mirage reared up again, rotating his simple eyes and trying to get a better look at his surroundings. He nearly missed it again but a confirmatory double take made him realize that he was no longer alone. Slowly crawling toward him was another leopard slug…body size just a tiny bit smaller than his own and exhibiting a look of…what? Determination? Mirage gave a mental shrug; slugs didn't have "looks" and he was pretty sure they only displayed a determination for eating. He nearly went back to his meal, intending to ignore the intruder, when a faint but very familiar presence registered itself in his peripheral consciousness. The presence grew stronger as the other leopard slug made its way towards his location on the branch.

"Jazz? Is that…is that you?" Mirage was sure if he had the ability, he would have gaped. Seeing the saboteur in the same shape as himself seemed to have a rousing effect; the gravity of his situation finally began to sink in once he moved his currently one-track mind off of eating.

"The one and only!" Jazz sounded a bit more subdued than usual…but only a bit. Mirage could hardly believe the tenacity of the other bot. "An' don't sound so surprised…you think you're the only one to go body hoppin' today?"

Mirage made a mental snort at his nearing patrol partner. "We're both slugs! Honestly…slugs? Has the bizarreness of our situation even begun to sink in or has your motherboard finally cracked?"

"To tell ya the truth 'Raj, I haven't given it much thought." Jazz made his way, slowly, to Mirage's location, his "voice" growing louder and clearer the closer he got. "An' considering how many nubby leaves are around ya, I'd say you haven't given it much thought either."

Mirage would have rolled his eyes if he could, but wasn't sure if the stalked, simple appendages would allow the movement. Not that Jazz would notice; Mirage noted that eyesight wasn't a slug's strongest sense. "I seem to being having trouble focusing on much more than eating. It's...disconcerting to say the least."

"Well, yer focusing on something else now, right?" Jazz's mentally projected voice filtered through clearly now that he was almost close enough to touch. "Maybe with the two of us keeping each other on track, we'll get outta this mess."

"...perhaps."

"Heh. Did anyone ever tell you you're cute when you're pessimistic?" Jazz teased as he brushed the skirt of his fleshy, elongated foot against the former Ligier.

"I hardly think this current body could be construed as cute" Mirage groused. "And the sooner I can get out of it, the better."

"Oh I dunno…those tentacled eyes are a fetching shade of brown."

Mirage could almost see the smirk on the saboteur's now non existent lips. "Remind me to shoot you in the foot once we get back into our own bodies."

"Oh ho! Finally the golden boy shows his sense of humor!" Jazz laughed and the sound made Mirage shudder for reasons he wasn't entirely comfortable thinking about. This, of course, didn't escape the notice of the saboteur. "You all right there, blue bot?" Jazz prodded.

"I…I'm fine" the Ligier stammered. "Just feeling a bit off – I'm sure being in this body for this length of time will have some unpleasant, and hopefully temporary effects."

"Uh huh." Jazz sounded completely unconvinced and somewhat distracted. "So tell me, when did you start noticing these 'negative' side effects?" The first lieutenant murmured while he continued to rub up against Mirage with the trunk of his body. "It wasn't till I showed up, was it?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Jazz." Mirage tried to sound angrier than he really was, but the growl he intended turned into an embarrassingly needy whine. "Oh Primus, what is happening to me?"

"Probably tha same thing that's happening ta me." Jazz paused his full body contact for a moment. "I got a feeling that on a slug's priority list, reproduction ranks right up there with eating. Actually…it probably ranks ahead of it."

"Jazz." Mirage huffed. "We're Cybertronian. We don't reproduce…at least, not like this."

"And we don't need ta eat leaves." Jazz pointed out with a chuckle. "Face it 'Raj, we're slaves to these host bodies."

"Well, this is just wonderful." If Mirage still had arms, he would have crossed them. "So Lieutenant, what do you propose we do?"

"Get rid of the distractions." Mirage could almost see the other slug grin. "An' the best way to get rid of this particular kind of itch…is to scratch it." Jazz once again began rubbing against him and Mirage couldn't really find the ability to voice his doubts.

"You're insufferable." The spy finally mumbled as he too began rubbing his body against the saboteur and, after a moment, looked behind them. "Jazz? What is that you're extruding from your rear?"

"Dunno for sure. It just sorta…auto initiated. I think." Jazz projected a mental shrug. "I say we just roll with it. I think these bodies know what they're doing better than we do." And with that the saboteur suddenly wrapped himself around Mirage and they tumbled off the branch. Mirage thought for a brief moment that this was well and truly it. To die as a slug. A slug having sex with Jazz…who was also a slug. The spy couldn't help but cringe at the stream of thoughts. Death, however, would not come by freefall and Mirage found himself suspended in midair. Clinging desperately to Jazz and the glistening lifeline that originated from his back end, Mirage took several moments to collect himself.

"Ya all right there 'Raj?" Jazz chuckled.

"This is about as far from amusing as one can get, Jazz. Forgive me if I don't share in your laughter."

The saboteur sobered up and gave Mirage a gentle nip with his rasp like teeth. "You're right, this is a lot of things but amusing ain't one of them" Jazz purred as he began spiraling around the spy, the mucous cord swinging lightly by the action. Mirage lost himself in the sensation of a full body caress and began his spiral around Jazz, moving opposite to him until they looked like a glistening double helix under the moonlight. Movement slowed and then stopped, both still wrapped around the other as pale blue appendages emerged from behind their heads. Mirage felt the heady rush of overload nearing him without the streams of data that normally accompanied it; the sensation was a little frightening yet oddly exhilarating. The appendages continued to elongate and the spy realized that these must be the reproductive organs.

"Ready there, 'Raj?" Jazz's body pulsated against him, mouth nipping as he spoke.

"I think you're….unh….enjoying this more than you probably should." The spy nipped back, savoring the way the other's flesh rippled at the contact.

"Let yourself go, Mirage" Jazz whispered, his voice surrounding him, filling him. The blue, crystalline appendages began to wrap around one another, much like their bodies. The two formed what looked like a shimmering raindrop as they completed their bond, tips clasping against each other in an intimate embrace.

"Jazz…oh Primus, Jazz!" Mirage could feel an inexplicable sensation as their intertwined appendages began to fan out. It was completely alien to him, and yet there was something comfortably familiar with it as well. There was no data and memories to share, no, but they shared something just as intimate. Genetic material began to pass from him into Jazz and Jazz's passed into him. The saboteur let loose with a long and low groan, his projected voice washing over Mirage as the nearing climax continued to carry them both in its currents. It was a perfect moment that stretched out forever and then snapped back with the force of a tidal wave as the final surge of material moved through the delicate fanned structure they created together.

He was falling, no safety net this time. Mirage could just make out Jazz still suspended on the mucous strand before the night enveloped him. Brief thoughts of why he was falling and whether he would survive flew through his mind as the cool night air embraced him. The last thought that he entertained was how similar the caress of the forest air was to Jazz.

Mirage awoke to the sound of frogs calling for mates and the feel of pine needles in every exposed joint he had. It took a moment for his higher CPU functions to whir to life but when they did he frantically examined himself, relieved to find that he was in his own body.

"…how?" Confusion flitted briefly over handsome features. "That blast must have glitched my processors" he muttered as he flexed his hands, relief sweeping over him. Taking a moment to get his bearings, the spy noticed a tiny creature slowly moving away from him and a trail of mucous over his chest. "Impossible!" In a near panic Mirage's optics swept through the foliage and finally spotted it, or rather, him. Still dangling from the mucous cord was another leopard slug and he nearly rebooted from the shock. Memories of what transpired over the course of the day flooded back into his mind as he carefully put one finger underneath the saboteur trapped in the slug's body. "Well, lieutenant, let's find your real body and get out of here."

Mindful of his steps, the Ligier picked his way through the forest, noting for the first time just how full of life it really was. Jazz's body is found only a few yards away, and with the gentleness and precision of a surgeon, Mirage placed the finger where his tiny charge resided over the metal plating that covered the spark chamber of the saboteur. It took several agonizing minutes, but he eventually saw the flickering of optic light behind Jazz's visor.

"Hey there, blue bot. Thought for sure you'd forgotten about me…" Jazz smiled and Mirage couldn't help but mirror the expression.

"You're impossible to forget, Jazz."

"Heh, I'm that good, am I?" The martini racer leered suggestively.

"No…I meant that you never shut up long enough for me to forget."

"Ah, you're killin me here, 'Raj!" Jazz laughed as the lanky spy helped him to his feet. "This was certainly one for the books, wasn't it? Jazz said amicably as they made their way through the trees.

"Indeed it was, although I'm not sure if every detail needs to be logged."

Jazz stopped walking and reached out to grab Mirage's arm, his expression thoughtful and serious. "No one needs to know what happened between us. That's nobody's business but our own."

Mirage nodded silently and continued on. The spy had almost hoped for more, but no, that was impossible. They had nothing in common, both as different as night and day. Mirage knew the only reason they came together was because of demands of their host bodies, to think there was anything more was ludicrous.

"But, ya know…" Jazz's sudden statement cut through the Ligier's thoughts. "I would be lying if I said I didn't want to do that again – as mechs, I mean." The saboteur made a completely unnecessary coughing sound, his hesitance so completely unlike him that Mirage found it quite charming. "That is, if ya want to."

"Jazz?"

"Yeah 'Raj?"

"You talk too much." Mirage grinned as he bent down and claimed the other's lips in a kiss.


End file.
